The toucan community, as you might imagine, is a small one. Over the years I have made some very close friends, some of whom I’ve never even met. But, they are my biggest support system when it comes to the triumphs, the treasures, and the pitfalls of owning a pet toucan.
Recently, some of my close friends have experienced the loss of their pet toucan. My heart truly was broken for them. There are never any words that can comfort a friend after losing a pet, but somehow we often still seem to try.
Their losses brought back my own sadness of losing our Emerald Toucanet, Yoshi. Yoshi was our first toucan. He was the light of our life! He got us through the losses of our own parents and some of our darkest times. When he passed we were devastated.
I remember how quiet the house was, I hated every moment of it. I remember crying uncontrollably for days on end. We had almost ten wonderful years with him, but you always want more.
Signs of grief according to the American Medical Association:
Crying, insomnia, fatigue, confusion, and a feeling of profound sadness. If you are experiencing any of these, it is NORMAL!
Grief is NORMAL!
Allow yourself to grieve.
When Yoshi passed away, and still to this day I re-hash all the decisions we made up until his death. Maybe we should’ve done this, maybe we should’ve done that. Why didn’t I notice sooner? What if I had switched vets, or found the one I have today?
What if, what if, what if?
Dr. Hoggan explains in this Ted Talk above that our society actually diminishes the pain of pet loss. I believe this so much to be true. When Yoshi passed, I was almost embarrassed to say how broken I was by the loss of my bird. Why, because he was a bird…not a dog, but a bird.
Most people can’t relate to pet owners who have birds, let alone pet bird losses! I can remember even saying to some of my friends… “I know he was only a bird”. But, he was our best friend, no different than their dog. Why did I feel the need to diminish his loss? I guess because even though many people experience pet loss, few experience the loss of a bird. Similarly, even though we all feel pet loss so deeply we tend to diminish its impact on us.
Grief can be emotional but also can manifest itself physically as mentioned above.
The most important thing I can stress to you is to allow yourself to grieve. Just as we would with our human family members passing, we should grieve the loss of our pets.
What do I do now?
William Worden suggests four tasks that should be accomplished in order to get past grief in his book “Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy”. He suggests that moving to and from each task is ok and that it takes different amounts of time for each person to complete the tasks, also acknowledging that it could take a lifetime for some.
The 4 tasks make up the acronym TEAR.
Here are the tasks he suggests:
- To Accept the reality of the loss.
Starting to speak of them in the past tense, having a burial, and really just not expecting our pets to be around us anymore is part of accepting the reality that they are gone.
- Experience: Working through pain and grief.
Acknowledging all the emotions that come with grief; Basically, allow yourself to feel the feelings. Don’t push them down and away. There is a range of feelings that can be associated with grief from sadness, despair, anger, and guilt. Allow yourself to feel the feelings you are feeling. Talk about them, feel them, and work through them.
- Adapting to the new environment without your pet
- Reinvest in a new reality without your pet:
If you need more support, try these resources:
The loss of a pet is traumatic and devastating. It is never the right time and we never have long enough with them.
If you feel like you need help coping or if you need some more support to get through the loss of a pet you are not alone. There are support groups out there for helping you get through the loss of your pet. Sometimes our family and friends may not understand the depth of our loss.
I follow Dr. Lawlor on Instagram, she is a grief psychologist with a specialty in pet loss. She has created a website to help others who feel they need more support to get through their pet loss.
Please know if you are grieving your pet toucan, parrot, bird, or any other pet, you are not alone! While the heartache never really goes away, you learn to live without them and keep them in your heart forever!
2 comments:
This is so true! There are a lot of people who dismiss the fact that we can be very attached to pets other than a dog or cat.
They just have limited experience & don’t have a compassion for something they don’t perceive.
It is wonderful to be able to establish connections with people (cyber-wise) who can provide friendship & support through difficult times.
Absolutely, we are lucky to have a great community to support one another!